Noticing. The last few weeks I have made a conscious decision to notice WHY I am feeling the way I am feeling. I have been paying close attention to my emotions around anxiety and anger. I frequently feel anxious. I rarely feel anger. So when anger arises, it’s an easy prompt for me to stop and ask WHY. Recently, I had a Mama bear moment with my son. I felt the anger rise up and this time, the WHY was easy to identify. My son was being left out of an opportunity, and to be honest, it pissed me off. The interesting thing (for me, and hopefully to you) is that normally, I suppress this anger. I shove it way down in my belly, and I justify all the reasons that I should not speak up. But this time felt different. I felt brave, and I felt protective of my son in a way that I didn’t want to let slide. So I made the decision to say something.
And now, for the noticing part that I found valuable. When I was expressing my upset about the situation, I unconsciously started the conversation with “I am sorry, I am PMS’ing, and I am upset about…” Upon reflection, I noticed two things. First, I immediately started the conversation about my anger with an apology. This emotion that I rarely even allow myself to feel prompted me to first apologize for even feeling it. And second, I found a scapegoat (my feminine cycle) to blame as if it wasn’t okay that I felt a normal human emotion. I downplayed my emotions for the comfort of others. I did not allow myself to own the way that I felt in an authentic way. When I examined WHY I did this a few things came up:
I was afraid that if I didn’t justify my anger others would not like me.
I have limited experience in expressing anger so this is a new space for me to practice.
I have a tendency to put the needs/feelings of others above my own.
Old stories of “good girls” don’t get angry arose
I am sure there are more but dissecting these is a good start. As I continue to aim to live more authentically and in true alignment noticing has become an essential tool in my self-discovery. If you found this story helpful, have felt this way as well, or have anything you would like to offer, please comment below. I am happy to receive you.
Journal Prompts:
Do I allow myself to experience the emotion of Anger?
Where in my body does Anger bubble up from? (for me it’s my Root chakra all the way up to my pink cheeks)
Do I ever allow myself to fully inhabit my emotions without tempering them for the comfort of others? (of course without physically or emotionally traumatizing anyone)
Do I consider Anger to be a “bad” emotion? If yes, where did I learn this? How can I integrate this essential human emotion into my life in a healthy way?
